After a blissful 36 hours of being home, we decided it was a little too boring and that we missed the excitement of the hospital (not). The real story is that we came in for our non stress test yesterday morning (I still can't get over the irony of the name) and found that baby B's heart rate was dropping at times throughout the test. Fortunately he always recovered but it was enough for them to re-admit us and keep a closer eye on things.
We went through all the scary things all over again, signed consents for emergency c-section if baby B didn't turn things around, talked to the docs and nurses about prognosis, watched the monitors vigilantly all night as if we could "will" him to to keep his heart rate up. Somehow being back again makes things that much more real, with the realization that things are more and more likely to happen much sooner than any of us would like. I'd be lying if I said my faith wasn't being tested right now. Like any parent, I want so much more for my boys, and at the top of that list is not to have them have to fight so hard already or have so many challenges coming into this world. They deserve so much more, what could possibly be the purpose of having them struggle so much and so soon? I know these are questions I am not supposed to be able to answer and thankfully these moments are fleeting.
But today is a new day and I am more conscious of all our blessings. I know that its not up to us to always understand the road that we are on, we just have to trust that we are taking this journey for a reason. And I am repeatedly reminded that we are not walking this road alone. We have been given so many gifts during this time. One incredible one is the fact that I have a dear friend who has also been admitted to the same unit on bed rest, trying to keep her little one in a few weeks longer too. What are the chances of that? She has been a huge support and obviously we know exactly what the other is going through, feelings, and fears and even though we hate that the other has to be going through this, we are so appreciative that we can call on eachother in a time like this. One of these days, we'll be boring our sons with the stories of "back when".
As always, we are so grateful to all of our family and friends for their constant love and support. The calls, visits to help pass the time or just offer a hug and hold our hand are all priceless. We've even had old friends that we've lost touch with over the years come back into our life, as well as new friends in the shape of labor and delivery nurses who have spent so much extra time giving us much needed reassurance, and even visits from the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) doctors sharing positive stories and experiences and giving us hope. We keep all of these close to our hearts and will continue this road the only way it is possible; one minute, one hour, one day at a time.