More ultrasounds

It wasn't that long ago that we looked forward to all the frequent ultrasounds, we felt lucky that we could see our little guys so often but unfortunately that is getting weighed down now with mounting concerns.

Just two weeks after learning and beginning to adjust to the fact that we would have a child with some special needs, we learned that the doctors are becoming increasingly concerned about the boys size. The one thing that we had feared from the beginning (twin to twin transfusion) has NOT happened but instead there is a concern that neither boy is growing at the rate that they would expect and hope for.

At first, Mark and I were able to minimize their concerns, afterall the doctors seemed to be extra negative about everything thats "not perfect" when to us, no matter what the challenges, our sons are already perfect in our eyes. We just thought there's two of them in there, and hey, we are not giants by any means either so its okay if they are a little on the small size.

Now several ultrasounds later it has been confirmed that the placenta is not functioning properly and this is causing growth issues with the boys. They are now a full two and a half weeks behind their gestational age and the fear is that this might be a trend. I think the medical term is IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction).

We've transferred to the high risk pregnancy center last week and my hope was to hear some option, something that could be done to help improve the situation. Certainly they must have seen this before and with medical science being what it is, there would be something to try. Even with twin to twin transfusion, which we had learned about and feared from the beginning of our pregnancy, there are several procedures that can be done to immprove outcomes so......I was devastated to hear that there is really nothing that can be done to improve problems with the placenta, no magic medicine to improve blood flow, no procedure, no infusion of nutrients of some kind.

I can't tell you how tired we are of hearing there's nothing to do but "wait and see". They say there is no way of knowing if the placenta will improve on its own or deteriorate further. Shockingly the doctor stated if we were further along in the pregnancy, he would recommend delivering them now to give them a more optimal environment to grow---but ofcourse they are just barely a pound each right now so thats not a viable option. More and more I find I am dreading the once anticipated weekly ultrasounds because I am so afraid of what they will find or see next with my sweet baby boys.

Its amazing to me that just a few short weeks ago all I was worried about was if I had what it took to be a good mom to a child who would have extra health issues, extra challenges and all the ways our life might change. Now that seems so benign. I feel like I can do ANYTHING if just given the chance to be the mother of these children. The thought of not having them in our lives at the end of this road is unbearable.

I am trying so hard to stay positive, it doesn't sound like it here I know but I truly am, some moments are just harder than others. I sing to them, and talk to them often, tell them how much we love them and ask them to do their best to grow big and strong. I ofcourse pray and ask everyone that we talk to (or write to) to please pray for our boys too. I even force myself to eat just a little more each meal, extra snacks, because even though the experts say it won't have a direct impact, I think to myself, what if it helps just a little bit, I mean they can't know everything, right?

I relish every single time I feel movement and think it is their way of telling me "we are ok mom, don't worry." I know all I can do right now is let God work His miracle and just keep praying for the courage and strength to see my boys through whatever comes.